I’m going to write about the topic I intended to write about last blog post, but was directed to write about something else. I guess we’ll see what happens.
So, recently, I posted a TikTok about a date I took myself on. In that TikTok I admitted that I am single now. I was terrified to post it. I didn’t actually want to admit out loud that my boyfriend and I had broken up. I guess I didn’t want to admit the ending to myself either. I kept it quiet. People kept mentioning him to me, and I just went with it. We still hang out sometimes. I see him about once a week still. My girls don’t even notice a difference, so I don’t think they know. My ex is my best friend. He’s my family. He will always be a very important person in my life. Always. Things just no longer felt right. It no longer felt good. We just didn’t seem to be on the same page about things. Where the relationship was, where it was going, and how it felt. It got to the point where I didn’t feel good when we were together. There was stress, conflict, and no resolution in sight. Two people, butting heads, unable to break free from that dynamic. So much had happened in our five years together. And so much had not. I didn’t do everything right. I am not fault free in this. My focus is not on blame. We are both learning and growing. He’s a great guy. The best I’ve ever met. And the best I’ll probably ever meet. We didn’t break up, so I could be back on the market in hopes of finding someone better. I didn’t think I’d find anyone even close to him, five plus years ago. He was a unicorn, for better or worse. This is not something I decided lightly or on a whim. It was and is… extremely difficult for me.
I just needed things he was unable to provide. And the lack of those things in the relationship started to drain me whenever we were together in that capacity. I felt alone. I still felt like I was battling this life on my own. So, I decided to go back to just doing that. It’s hard to explain. I am a very ambitious person. I have big dreams and goals for myself. I don’t need to accomplish even half of them to be happy. I can be content. I’m even learning how to do that right now, in these unideal circumstances I find myself in. My energy is easily manipulated by others around me. A large portion of why I decided to be on my own, is because our relationship was draining my energy. Not only towards my future goals, but also with my energy towards the day to day things. I felt like I had to fight twice as hard to just be okay. I would be okay for a couple days, then I’d find myself falling back into pits of sadness and depression. I was back to fighting my way out of pit after pit. I’d get out long enough to lay at the surface, resting my body and readying myself to move forward again… only to find myself sloshing through muck and quicksand over and over again. I’d get out of each pit, looking out over the thick, stagnant, gray swap in the distance. Knowing I just had to keep trudging through it in hopes of reaching ground and sunlight. Somewhere dry and firm to plant my feet. Somewhere safe and warm. A place to build a home and a future. I just couldn’t seem to find any of that where I was.
Life is tricky enough standing on your own. But to add in another soul, unlike your own, and have to consider them, wait on them, weigh their feelings on everything… it gets that much more difficult. I am really good at soldiering on, on my own. I am really good at being a wife and mother. It’s the in between that doesn’t jive with me. I am an all in person. Love big, love hard. That is both a good trait and a bad trait, depending on who I find myself with. Someone like me… well shit… that’d probably be a pretty incredible thing to witness. I’ve never known a love like that. It’s a mystery to me. Most people are not like me. If you trace back over my relationship history… there is a theme. I have only dated the youngest, baby boys of the family. It’s weird. I don’t know why that is, it just is. I also date emotionally unavailable men. Guys that are very closed off. I am a very open and expressive person. I am not entirely sure why I attract these types of people to me. Maybe it’s the open, loving, and nurturing vibe I put off. All the magical things I spoke of in the last post, I put out that energy. They say empathetic people tend to draw in narcissistic people. My ex-husband certainly fit that criteria. My history has led me to believe that I am not meant to be loved in this life. Now, I don’t know if that is the case or not, but it feels like that sometimes.
I don’t really know what my life is going to look like going forward. I have hung up the dream of having a husband or more babies. I’m 35 and on my own again. I’ve had this loudly ticking clock going in the background for as long as I can remember now. I’ve been able to shut it off within this last year. Spiritual awakenings come with dark night of the soul and inner child healing. I’ve had to take some really hard looks at myself this last year. I’ve had to try to understand myself in ways most people never do. And do not want to. I have had to own up to my short comings and faults. With me, I have control and patience issues. I like to have a plan and work towards it. That’s a good thing, to an extent. With me, however, I put a lot of pressure on myself to get where I want to go. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be who I feel I should be. I just put a lot of pressure on myself in general. If I am not go go going every minute, kicking ass at life, I am failing. If I have a lazy day and relax because my energy is depleted, I do not actually relax. I feel guilty and stress the entire time. I talk down to myself. At least… I used to. I never felt like I was doing or being enough. I understand why I do that now. And I have been healing the shit out of that. It’s not been easy, but it’s getting easier.
And that ticking clock… well, I’ve given up all control on the direction I feel my life should go. I have taken my very noisy ADHD brain… filled with self-doubt, over thinking, and over analyzing everything… and quieted it way down. When those old habits and thoughts come creeping in… I simply say, “I trust in the universe.” That doesn’t mean things are going to be beautiful and come to me easily. It means, whatever I am supposed to go through, both good and bad, is for the greater good. I need to experience these things and go through these things to come out of the other end better, stronger, and wiser. What will be, will be. I am trusting my gut… my intuition. I am very sensitive to these things. I can feel the energy and intent behind a person’s words and actions. I’m just navigating my life by that compass now and trusting where it takes me. I’m following my heart and doing what feels right. I’m just trying to be my most authentic self and live my most authentic life.
Maybe new love comes in, maybe this situation is good for my ex and I and we get back together down the road, maybe I stay single the rest of my life. Honestly… I’m okay with all three scenarios. I honestly have let go of all control and I am just trying to be my very best every day. I want to be grateful every single day. I want to love the people around me who love me. I want to make the people around me feel good when they’re around me. I want to do no harm and only do good to everyone. I want to see the beauty in life around me. I don’t want to take a single thing for granted. I just want to do the best I can, with what I have today. When I die and my soul leaves this body and moves on… I want to feel content that I learned what I was meant to learn, I loved how I was meant to love, and I left the appropriate impression needed on everyone’s life that I touched.
Yeah, I feel sadness. Yes, I feel loneliness.
But I am also in a really good place too.
Come what may.
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