It's Showtime!

I am a walking contradiction. I’ve always used that phrase to describe myself. I am very THIS, but at the same time, I’m also very THAT… with literally everything. I don’t hate that about myself. If nothing else, it keeps things interesting. I’ll give some examples, to better explain what I mean:

I have a very go with the flow energy when I'm with people, but when it comes to me and my life goals… I am very hard on myself and demanding of my own progress.

I’m very introverted, but in the right setting… with the right people… I can be very extroverted too. When I'm extroverted for too long, I retreat back into hermit mode to heal and recoup. I also don't like being too introverted either. I do like interactions with others, but for me to enjoy it, it has to be in a certain environment.

I have very strong moral fiber… but I can joke, smoke, and swear like a dirty old man.

I care about things a lot. I think on things a lot. I want to do good things for this world, but I also don’t give a shit about anything sometimes too. It’s an ADHD thing, I’ve come to find. I reach a point where sensory wise I’m at capacity… then I simply shut down. It’s a coping mechanism for my brain & body. Same thing goes for communication and socializing. I like to do both, but I am only built for so much. It overwhelms my system and I simply… shut down… for maintenance. I can appear very warm and bubbly one minute, and gloomy and cold the next. This is always a direct reflection of the amount of stress and anxiety that has built within my body. Balance has become so incredibly important for me because of this. Any slight shifts can bring it all tumbling to the ground. Then I have to take the time to stack and balance everything back up on the scale. Everything is a very precise balancing act with me.

Sometimes I am fast action wit & banter and other times I stumble over the simplest words and acts of communication. It depends on what is going on around me… or within me. Again, stress, anxiety, and my ADHD play a huge role in why I am, how I am.

I have a temper and it’s scary BIG. As an Aries, I can go from 0-100 with the snap of the fingers, but I also have decent control over it. It takes a lot to push me over that line. I am pretty passive and can keep my composure. I think it’s because of my equally BIG heart. It has to be. They balance each other out.

I avoid conflict at all costs, because I don’t ever feel like I need to make it a point to prove that I am right. I also have the capacity to know that I’m not always right. I value peace over big ego, pissing contests. They are a waist of my time and energy. I will also not debate people. I refuse. I am not intimidated by people. I am literally not intimidated by a single person in this world. People think that I am weak when I go quiet. I think they get satisfaction and a sense of victory when I avoid sticking up for myself or telling my side of things. I allow this illusion of weakness. I don’t mind if people count me out or overlook me. It doesn’t bother me if people label me as something I am not. I know. I know who I am. I know what beasts I have inside, and what strength it takes to keep them locked within, rather than recklessly and needlessly unleashing them into the world. I know that my ability to quietly work through my triggers and traumas (while also healing them) so I don’t react, is a strength. It’s but one of my many strengths. I have walked through the darkness more times than I can count and come out the other end stronger and better for it. I know who I am, who I strive to be, and what my intentions are. I'm good with me. Confident. That’s what matters.

I see people. I see the person they portray, the masks they wear, the insecurities they carry, I see the shit they hide from everyone. I see the shit they hide from themselves. At first, it’s a feeling. It’s their energy. It either feels good or it feels off. If it’s off, it catches my attention. I tend to hyper focus on it. It’s a danger feeling. I’m on guard. Are they sad? Are they hurting? Are they angry? Are they pissed at me? What could I have done to piss them off? What is causing them to put off this heavy, negative energy. I get quiet. I observe, sometimes with my eyes, sometimes with my ears, sometimes with my energy, but usually all three. Sometimes while I’m observing, I get intuitive messages. And it’s like… oh… okay. I get it. The thing is, I try to understand it. I try not to take it so personally, when it is directed at me. I’ve also come to understand that I (like most people) am here to subconsciously trigger people where they need to heal, just by existing and being me. I've always done this, but lately to protect my energy... I will observe, identify, then disregard it. Since rebuilding myself without all my trauma's, coping mechanisms, conditioned behavior, etc. I have finally learned how to set boundaries with people. It's not my job to fix or heal people. That is for them to do or not do. Their reaction to me, is also not my responsibility. It's not my weight or burden to bear. I am simply responsible for my actions and my reactions.

Everyone is going to trigger someone. We are all essentially walking, talking mirrors. Being a light worker, I put off a high amount of energy. It's like a beacon of light, that subconsciously draws people in. I either inspire them or I trigger them. They either love me or they absolutely despise me. Whichever the case may be… the end goal is still for people to heal from knowing me. The choice is theirs. The work you have to put in on truly healing yourself, is difficult and uncomfortable. So not everyone is going to take my light and run with it. I am a mirror, we all are, but some people are a little more than others. It depends on their energy. For me, there is an unspoken ‘something’ inside me. Some people see it, some people feel it, and others don’t see or feel it but subconsciously I get their attention and they do not like it. It’s an underdog, unappreciated, unvalued energy. I can see it, I can feel it, I know it is BIG, but for my entire life it's felt like I was the only one. It was a test for me. I could either let my environment beat the light out of me, or I could protect it and feed it. I did the later. It's been a long time coming, but my efforts toward staying my most authentic self and healing things that didn't honor my most authentic self, are going to be rewarded. Big and significant blessings are going to be coming into my life soon. I can feel it, but I’ve learned it is being delayed for “dramatic effect.” I’m not sure if I’m supposed to share that with people, but oh well.

The point I’m trying to make is… there is something about me, that people can’t put their finger on, that draws their attention. The people who see me, and like my energy… well, they are unbothered and welcomed me. Those people are probably pretty happy and content in their lives. Positive people, just doing their thing, and genuinely happy for the people around them that are doing or feeling good. They are good hearted, happy people who are probably pretty well healed within. The people who are triggered by me, have some demons they’re struggling with internally that I shine a light on. Ego, insecurities, a sense of lack, envy, jealousy, etc. It’s different for everyone in what they’re battling. This doesn’t make these people bad people. It just means, they’re struggling with certain area's of their lives, and rather than working on them and taking responsibility for them, they project. I am a mirror. What ever they see in me, that triggers them… is something in them they are struggling with, that maybe I am not. Or something that comes natural to me, that does not for them. It varies. We all have our stuff that we need to work through. I still have some of my own things that I’m working on. People mirror things back to me too. I’m not fully healed yet, but I’m getting there.

Here's the challenge. When you feel triggered by something or someone, take a step back and ask yourself why. Why? What is triggering you? Where does that come from? It will get uncomfortable. You have to remove your emotions from the equation. Something that I've started doing, that has helped me when someone triggers me... is hitting the pause button.

I almost envision the scenario happening, but it’s like a show or movie I'm watching. As soon as I get triggered, I hit the pause button. Next, I literally go from being a character in that show, to the viewer on the other side of the screen. That person is no longer me. I’m not that character anymore, but I’m very familiar with that character’s story line, as I’ve been watching this show for years (Season 35, episode 49). I am a life long viewer. I am not as familiar with the other character’s back story, as they are not the main characters, but I have a pretty good idea, you know? So… what the fuck is going on? Why are both (or multiple) characters being triggered or effected? What has happened in their lives that is causing this? What would you tell those characters to do, to best help them work through this conflict you’re watching? Okay cool. Well, you can not give that advise to the other characters, you don’t have that ability to change how they react or what they do, but when you unpause your show… you can help the main character work through things the best way THEY can. So… that’s what I try to do. If you picture your life… like a TV show… and you’re the main character… it can be kind of cool. Because in this life, you literally are an avatar character playing in an earth simulation. It's a real-life video game/show/movie. You are the star. What is your show about? Who is your character? Who is your character going to be?

My show started out with a little girl, who feels big things within. She has big gifts and epic potential, but feels unloved, unseen, unvalued. She knows sadness and loneliness from an early age. She tries hard to be seen. She people pleases and feels responsible for everyone around her. She just wants everyone to feel joy when they are around her. Anytime she is a little extra (like she feels inside), people get upset. She has a secret power in her, that she doesn’t want to keep a secret, but decides at a young age that it’s not worth trying to show people anymore. One day she will, when she has the freedom and power to. She grows up, has romantic relationships with one long term man to the next, all of which continue to make her feel unloved, unseen, unvalued. She feels alone in the world. The worst of all of them, gets her pregnant (twice), treats her worse than anyone ever has, hurts her, tries to break her, but fails. She leaves him and goes on her own for quite a while. She embraces being alone for the long haul, but with her daughters, she is never truly alone anymore. She raises her baby girls up to be strong, independent young women. She is a modern day warrior. She strives to give them what she needed emotionally and supportively when she was a kid. She still feels unloved, unseen, unvalued… but she has quietly been feeding kindling to her fire for all these years and reassures herself that despite all her hardships and people counting her out, she will do big things. She has an awakening. She has had many before, but this one is different. It’s spiritual. She has no idea what will come of it. She has no idea what to expect. Cool things happen. Different things click. She just knows things now. Different subtle abilities she’s had since she was a child… are growing. And she is gaining new ones now too. She has opened her eyes to the fact that there is magic all around her and within her. She is powerful, we all are. She rebuilds herself from the ground up. She takes all the hurt and pain and resentments of her past… and throws it away. She feels good. She’s simplified her life a lot. Different things that once mattered and weighed her down, no longer do. Different people pleasing things she used to do, she no longer does. She understands that it is no longer her responsibility to make sure everyone around her is happy or okay. She doesn’t give out her energy to whoever wants it anymore. She understands that right now is the time to give herself the tender love and care that she has always needed and looked for from others. Just as her being a little extra as a kid caused people issues, her talking about those things now, as an adult, is causing them even more issues. Even the simple act of giving herself the love and care she’s always needed… is causing problems. The thing is, she doesn’t care anymore. She has zero time and zero tolerance for oppressive energies in her life anymore. She already threw out that old box of garbage. She understands that caring for yourself is not selfish. My show is about a woman stepping into her power with grace and dignity. Healing and growing. An underdog story. A little girl with an entire universe inside her… that only she could see or value. She’s talking about it now, unapologetically. And she will continue to, because she wants to help others like her. She is done feeding sticks and scraps to her fire. She is now strategically placing logs in their place. The flames inside her are growing higher and higher. Time will pass, people will wait for something to happen… and it won’t. People will laugh amongst each other, discredit her, devalue her. While this is not ideal for my character, she has been let in on a secret. This is being strategically planned by the universe (God if you will). It's all for dramatic effect, while also forcing her to work on her patience, faith, and letting go of control.

I'm here to raise the vibration on earth. To do that, I've been asked to share my story. It has not been easy. I do not like the attention. I have kept my head down for 30 years to avoid ridicule. Now, I've been asked to step into the light and share my journey... for just that purpose. It fucking sucks. So whether you're rooting for me or quietly hoping I fall flat on my face. stay tuned. We are at a waiting point. The calm before the blessings. The final test of patience, practice of peace, faith and last minute healing. My life is about to change in very big ways. I have been given little sneak peeks and idea’s on where my show is going… but the creators of my show have a habit of keeping me on my toes. Plot twists at every turn. I’m invested though, so we’ll see what happens. In the meantime, I’ll just keep sharing little things that have helped me work my way through my obstacles, share some of my knowledge, and maybe it will help you too. Maybe I can be the weird little Yoda character that gets to guest star in a few episodes of your show. Maybe I’m a helpful friend, maybe a love interest, but hopefully not one of your nemeses, because our fight scene will be very anticlimactic. People will be like, wtf?! What was that? She didn’t do anything! Please don’t make me a villain in your story. I haven’t rehearsed for it, I don't want that role, I don’t know the lines, and I’m not sure what to do with my hands. It’ll be awkward. You’re sure to get bad reviews.

Anyways, good luck. I really hope your story turns out how you want it. You have the power to make it a good one. Or at least the main character a good one. I’m rooting for you.