It’s so cool to me. Life. The journey. We are all just traveling along. Sometimes we’re alone, sometimes we walk with others for a while, then go our separate ways. It is a 100% solo experience. We share the journey with others in different ways… but at the end of the day, it is ours and ours alone. We are the main character in our stories. We all know that, but to really pause and think about the depths of that… it’s neat.
I do not think I am better than anyone, because I’ve had a spiritual awakening. That’s just where I’m at in my journey. It’s a big part of my life right now and I’ve fully embraced it. I’m meant to. I make no apologies for talking about it. The words I say seem drastic and foreign to people that haven’t had a spiritual awakening, but the concept behind the words are not as drastic or foreign as you think. Before I had my spiritual awakening, I referred to the concepts I speak about in a more socially acceptable way. I’ll give some examples:
I used to say “ah hah moments” or “or having an epiphany” but now I call them awakenings. We all have them. A spiritual awakening is just an awakening around specific concepts in spirituality.
I used to say “Good things come to those who wait” or “it is what it is” or “I’m just going with it” or that I “have faith things will work out” but now I say that I am trusting the universe and that things will come in divine timing.
The differences between the words are minor, but it’s the same concept. I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. We all are. That’s the beauty of it. We all have our own trials, our own hurt, trauma, fear, struggles, and pain. I really wish people would stop competing with each other. You have to stop comparing yourself and your life with everyone else around you. You will find no peace or happiness in that. The whole point of this life, this journey, this experience… is to look at yourself hard. To fix the things that create these cycles that you can’t seem to break free of. To break the chains of your past (and past lives (if you believe in that)), the conditions others have put on you, the conditions you’ve put on yourself, etc. It’s not easy and it’s not fun, so if you don’t want to do it… that’s okay by me. I’m not telling you that you NEED to do that. If you can’t or don’t want to… then you’re not ready or meant to. And that’s okay. Sometimes it takes living a certain way or repeating things enough… to have a breakthrough (or epiphany or awakening (whatever phrase you prefer)). Trust me, I get it. In the past I had to learn everything the hard way. The point is, stop comparing your life to everyone else’s and try not to judge other people where they are on their journey. The focus should be on yourself, your growth, your life, and building it to be exactly what you want it to be. Who cares what the Jones’s are up to. Hopefully they’re building the life they want. Wish them success and well wishes and worry about yourself. That’s my advice. At the end of the day, you’ll do what you do… because that’s where you are.
I’m not perfect. I still have insecurities and shit I am working through. This stuff doesn’t just go away overnight. Understand that even on your journey of healing and growth… you’re going to slip up and regress back into old habits and mindsets sometimes. As long as you recognize it and try to correct and continue to break that cycle… you’ll continue healing, you’ll continue growing. It takes time. I wish everyone well and send them love and light… but I still find myself RAGING behind the wheel on my way to and from work. I don’t like that I do that, but I’m working at it. I still catch myself falling short different places I’ve been working hard on improving all the time, but I also recognize how far I’ve come. And I feel really good about that. I am proud of myself. It’s not arrogance, it’s self-love. And it’s absolutely necessary in growth and healing.
Lately I have had people tell me how I think and feel. They tell me who I am, what I feel and that how I am perceiving people and things is wrong. I am rejecting those opinions. Don’t get me wrong, I took time with their words. I held their words in one hand, held my feelings in the other hand and held them both close to my heart to see what stuck. I paused to reflect and see what held weight. To see what words felt true and right in my heart. Trust me when I say, I am not afraid to take hard looks at myself. I always have. I have questioned myself since I was a child because that’s how I have been conditioned. I’m not afraid to. I embrace it. In the last 2 years alone, I have taken a very aggressively hard look at myself. I dissected what I like about myself, what I hate about myself, where I am strong, where I am weak, where I can flourish, and where I fall short. The handful of negative opinions people have had about me… I reject. I disagree. You are wrong. And the weight of those opinions are gone, tossed away. I know who I am, what I think, how I consider others, what my approach with this blog is geared towards and what it is not. If the attempt was to discourage me or make me question my worth or the good in my heart… it failed.
I have also taken huge steps back from everyone. Everyone, except my kiddos, of course. Don’t misunderstand… I still have loving relationships with others, it’s just different now. Energetically, I have stepped back. I am not trying to be seen or heard. I’m being careful and watchful. I am participating less and observing more. I have always been very 50/50 introverted/extroverted. The extroverted side of me just wanted to blend in and be a part of something. Find some joy in it. But it always left me drained. I have always had to go introvert to recharge my batteries. I’m notorious for disappearing or going into hermit mode after a lot of extroverted stimulation. I have discovered there are a few reasons for this.
1. I don’t always like the vibe or things occurring within the group I am with during those extroverted bursts. I don’t like when people gossip or talk about other people. It is hurtful and mean. I know the very people that I am around and hear talking about people… are all too quick to do it about me when I’m not around. It’s a toxic, hurtful and unsafe environment. And I don’t like how sometimes I get swept up into it. I might not overly enjoy the person people talk about… but that doesn’t mean I want to talk poorly about them. I’m still working through that. I’m still not entirely sure why I regress in small moments and do that. Then it haunts me. I am hard on myself after I slip up. A lot of guilt, shame, and regret. I never say anything super mean or hurtful… and honestly 9 times out of 10 I would say it to their face in the same jovial tone I do in my slip ups… for comedic effect… but that doesn’t make that right either. Sometimes the things I say in jest to be funny or ball bust… people take to heart. And though that’s never my intention, people perceive you, from where they are… so you never really know how things are received.
2. I am a transmuter. I am an empath. My energy brings people in. People either love it or hate it. If they love it, they often take it. If they hate it, they send ill will via their negative energy. I feel it all. Every single day that I have to leave my house and go be around people… I am completely vulnerable to everyone else’s shit. We all are. I guess I’m just more sensitive and aware of it, than most people. By the time I get home… I am basically licking my wounds and trying to rest and recharge for the next days draining. That’s part of my light worker journey. You don’t have to buy into it. I don’t care, but that is unfortunately a thing I have to deal with in this life. It’s part of my life’s purpose.
3. In the process of rebuilding myself from the ground up, without all my unsavory qualities, insecurities, and trauma… I have been very wary of people. I have realized where a lot of my conditioning and hurt comes from. I am aware of different traits in people. I am aware of familiar and hurtful traits in people, that are gaged to hit me where it hurts. The traits that fucked me up over the years. The traits that oppressed me, made me talk poorly about myself, made me question myself and doubt myself. I see those things in people, I always have… but the need to tip toe around them or appease them to keep the peace is gone. I will not accept certain behaviors around me. Anything that threatens my healing and growth is a no for me. I am holding my soul like a football, anything and anyone who comes at me to take me down… is getting the stiff arm and I’m plowing through them. I’m not sorry.
I’ve come a long way. I’ve had to fight every step of the way. I don’t even know what I’m writing about anymore. Haha. I guess the point I’m trying to make is… that you should tend to your own garden. Don’t concern yourself with what “so and so” is growing in their garden. If they’re growing squash and you don’t like squash… no one gives a shit that you don’t like squash. They like it. So, guess what?!?! They’re going to grow squash. No one is asking you to eat it. I personally… do not care if you don’t like what’s in my garden. If you care what I’m growing, ask yourself why that is. I’m really happy with my squash. What is your reasoning or goal in trying to get me to hate or question my love for squash? What is your motivation in ruining anyone’s love for anything? Get to work on your own soil. You can grow whatever the hell you want in there. And I'll be super happy for you. I’ve built a fence around my garden. I’m protecting my squash and all the other fruits of my labor. There is a gate on my fence… but the only people I’m welcoming in… are people who want to kick it with me while I pull my weeds or help me water it. You cannot come in with your chemicals and stompy feet. I won’t let you. That’s as it should be.
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