Darkness gets a bad rap. Oftentimes when someone finds themselves in a dark place, it's discouraged. In an effort to help them, people encourage them to 'snap out of it' with phrases of encouragement, like: "Be happy! Smile! It's not that bad. So many people have it worse. Appreciate the good in your life! Shake it off. You're okay." While those people's intentions are often good and there is truth to most of what is said... sometimes... the darkness is necessary.
Everyone has pain. Everyone has trauma. Everyone has gone through different things in their lives, that have made them who they are today. We all have baggage. Some people have been fortunate enough, that they only have to juggle a small carry on, but more often then not, people have a lot of baggage. This baggage creates issues in your life. It can cause pain and rifts in your relationships, be it your friends, your family, your partner, or worst of all... your children.
When you are a child, you are your truest self. That's you. That is who you are, to your truest form. Then life happens. Things get complicated. People hurt you. You push forward the best you can, picking up habits and traits along the way that you feel are necessary to best survive those difficult times. You change, you adapt, you morph into so many different versions of yourself over the years. You're still you... but not the purest form you. Picture it like water. Imagine you are a single drop of rain. You fall from the heavens and land where you will. Pure, fresh, moving water, full of life and possibilities. Maybe you are lucky and free flow from one thing to the next (ie: stream, lake, ocean), making your way to bigger and better things. That's the dream, right? But that's not always the case. You may find yourself in a stagnant puddle, or sucked up and pumped into a toilet, or drank up and pissed out. Maybe you're traveling the world, maybe you're saving lives and putting out fires. There are so many different variables that can happen. The point is, while you may start out a pure drop of rain... you flow into contaminated waters and it alters you. You're never the same. You change. It's the nature of the beast.
We all pretty much accept this. We accept that, "this is just who I am now." And why wouldn't we? It's all we've ever known. What is there to question? It's not even a thought, at least it never was for me. That was, until I got deeper and deeper into my spiritual awakening. My awakening was such a strange and difficult transition. I'm at a loss of words, when it comes to describing the process. A lot of my awakening is private and I keep it close to my chest, but I will try to best explain the process because I'm feeling very reflective and it has been revealed to me that sharing my journey is part of my calling.
I was just like any other person. I woke up, I went to work, I came home from work, I slept and repeated. I was just getting through the days as best as I could. I was 34, two kids, a boyfriend, baggage... but doing as well as could be expected. I wasn't looking for anything in life. I didn't have any desires to be "woke" or change my life in any drastic way. I had things in myself I was trying to improve on, but I knew I was a good person. There were things I wanted to happen in my life and goals I was working towards... but they felt very typical. It was just your average weekday at work, nothing out of the norm, boring/common interactions with everyday coworkers. And then it all changed with the flip of a switch.
It was the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. A guy at work entered the room, he was sort of new and hadn't been there all that long. He walked into the room I was in, to look at the schedule, like any other day. I didn't really know him, we didn't really talk more than having to discuss work related situations or small talk in passing. He was no one to me. When he entered the room, I got this building static like feeling in my chest. I was working on something, so when it happened I just had this puzzled feeling like... what is this strange feeling I'm having? It was an odd building feeling inside. I looked up to see who had walked in the room and when I looked at him, it felt like I was struck by a bolt of lightening. It startled the shit out of me! It was like, "What the ever loving fuck was that?" I could almost hear my soul SCREAMING at me. "HIM! LISTEN TO ME! HE IS IMPORTANT! YOU KNOW HIM!" It was in that moment, I knew that past lives was a thing. It was in that moment, that I knew his soul and my soul had some sort of meaningful connection in another life. It wasn't just some new theory I decided to ponder... it was an instant (snap of the fingers) knowing. I received a very large download during that lightening bolt moment and it shook me to my very core. It changed everything.
My friend was pretty cool in the beginning. He let me rattle all these new realizations off to him. It became like an obsessive quest of knowledge and answers for me. He didn't have the same experience as me, so while I don't think he put much weight into this new life transformation I was having, he respected how I felt about it. From there, it became a solo mission for me. He wasn't ready for this next level thinking and I didn't want to waste anymore of his time talking about things he couldn't relate to. You can't force an awakening. They come with divine timing, when you least expect it. Case and freaking point.
It might sound like this was a magical experience, and honestly... in it's own ways it was... but it also came with a LOT of pain. Spiritual awakenings are not for the faint of heart. They are not widely talked about. It's not like puberty... and we all go through it together. It's not very relatable. If you try to talk about it, it's not well received. In writing this right now, I know I'm being heavily judged. I know that. I understand why. No hard feelings. It's been a very lonely journey. I have fought battles within myself, questioned myself, doubted myself, wished it never happened, wished things could go back to how they were. I've put myself out there to people, pulled myself back, spoke my truths, shut myself down in dark places, I have prayed to God to make it stop, I have cursed out my spirit guides, God, and even my friend, for jump starting this awakening. Ignorance felt like such bliss and I knew I'd never have it again. But in the end... I know, this has been a blessing.
A large part of a spiritual awakening is getting in touch with yourself. When you wake up, your realize that you have the power to do and be what ever you desire, and you always have. You realize that you have all the answers within yourself, that you have ever wanted an answer to. What ever it is that you want or need... you already have it, you just don't know how to tap into it. Here's the catch though, in order to tap into those things, you need to heal yourself and get rid of your baggage. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but it's entirely necessary. You have to get rid of all the old in order to make room for the new. To do that, you need to get very, VERY uncomfortable.
You have to dive deep into yourself and dig out all the old scar tissue and unbury all the things you so meticulously shoved down and buried deep inside yourself. You have to give yourself a good hard look. You are essentially stripping yourself down bare and both forcing yourself to be the vulnerable naked person... while also forcing yourself to be the person examining all the horrible or humiliating things that you've ever said or done. You also have to relive all the things anyone has ever said or done to you, that made you alter yourself in order to survive. And then you have to somehow forgive them for all of that pain that they caused you. And you have to forgive yourself too. Then... you know, as if that's not enough... you have to learn to love yourself. I mean... really love yourself... while simultaneously killing your ego. Seems like a pretty tricky line, if you ask me. This is where I am right now, and I haven't quite mastered it... but I've made some pretty great strides.
Here's some more fun information for you! That horrible baggage you have? Yeah, some of those things that you have going on isn't from this life, they are from your former lives. Irrational fears, unfavorable personality traits, insecurities, etc. You carried a lot of that shit over from your previous lives. They are the things you couldn't quite shake before you died previously. Your current life and the people in it... were put here with you in an attempt for you to heal those things, while they also work to heal their own things. They are here to either help you with love or with pain. They are going to trigger all the broken things inside of you, so that you can heal from them. Soul contracts. We made them, before we came here. And you've probably been traveling through all these different lives with a lot of the same people. If you feel a familiarity with someone... it's probably because you've known them before. Along with my friend, I'm fairly certain I've known my boyfriend from a previous life too. I had an experience with him, when we met too. I think I've had a few minor awakenings or slight leveling ups, throughout my life... this latest one being the most significant and life altering yet.
When we die, between death and rebirth... there is a period of time for reflection and planning. Your soul tribe comes up with a plan. It's like everyone is sitting around a war table. There are different people and scenarios scattered across the table. While sliding the little "You" piece across the board from one person/situation to the next, they discuss what you will face in your next life to trigger you in all the ways needed for you to break through the barriers holding you back from your souls ultimate ascension. You are basically given a blue print for the best you! It's perfection. A well thought out masterpiece. Perfectly worded, step by step instructions on how to conquer your demons and unlock your unimaginable gifts and potential. Wouldn't it be great if it were that simple? Of course it's not, because at the end of the day we still have free will. It's up to us to learn, grow, heal, love and live how we do. And as humans, we just can't seem to do anything the easy way. We always have to learn everything the hard way. We screw up, we make the same wrong choices and we keep circling around and circling around, trying to force things that should just flow. We should learn our karmic lessons, release them and move on, but we don't do that. We stay too long, we live in fear of being alone, we feel safe in the bad yet comfortable life we've created for ourselves, we no longer believe in magic, we grow cynical, bitter, cold, and lazy. Spiritual awakening or not... I'm still guilty of these things.
I have always been a little more in touch with myself. Connected to something more. I radiate love and light, but I have also always been very familiar with the darkness. My empathy and connection to everyone outside of myself, has made darkness a very prominent fixture in my life. The darkness is there for a reason. Use it for the right reasons. Feel what you need to feel. Learn from it, grow from it, build strength from it. Just don't stay there. Stay the course, push forward and most importantly... love yourself. Everything you need, you have inside you. You've got this.
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